The Unmistakable Ms Mamie

The Unmistakable Ms Mamie

I ran across this picture of my grandmother and I sitting on a bench in Charleston, SC on South Battery.  I was so young and as this picture depicts she was my best buddy.  Grandparents fill a place in a child's life that no one else can.  I just loved and adored my grandmother.  She made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. I knew that I had a special place in her heart and she had one in  mine. I was fortunate enough to live with my grandma for the first 6 years of my life and still  to this day, those years hold some of my best memories.  Getting up early in  the morning to sit out  on the front porch with her hot buttery homemade biscuits and what she lead me to believe was  my very own cup coffee which was  more cream and sugar than coffee.  We would sit on that porch every morning talking and people watching. I got so much joy out  of  sitting with her and watching people going by.  You would always speak and at a minimum say good morning.  I would always look forward to the Vegetable man or as we would say in gullah "Da Ve ja tible man"  He would come  by every morning yelling, "Ve ja tible Man, Da Ve ja tible Man come get your Ve ja tibles, Frashe Ve ja tibles."  Yes, that means fresh vegetables. He was almost better than the sound of the ice cream truck.  And don't let my grandma say stop him.  Boy that was a real treat.  We would go out to his cart..Yes, I said cart. He pulled a cart with vegetable and fruit through the streets. I would get a chance to pick  fruits and veggies with my grandma.  I loved to hear her haggle with him about the prices and of  course she  had a way of always getting  her way about the price she paid. That Ms. Mamie was a professional at getting HER price.  The next part of the fun with her would be preparing what she  bought for our dinner.  Oh the stories I could tell.  She was the best cook ever.  She was the type of woman who could make  boiled water taste great. I learned  so much from her during the time  we spent together. Just she and I and yes, I  was very spoiled.

Stop Fertilizing a Dead Tree

Over time the statement "Don't or Stop fertilizing a dead tree." has come  to have great meaning. How many of you are in relationships that are simply dead.  However, you keep putting time, money and love into these dead relationships or what I call dead trees.  If you knew someone who had cultivated a beautiful garden but kept buying and placing expensive fertilizer on a dead tree, you would consider them crazy.  Well our lives are no different.  I think that now that I am fast approaching fifty, I realize that I have far less time to do foolish things or waste precious time. When I was  twenty something, there was enough time because I was young enough to waste time and to recover from foolish decisions.  I just don't feel this way any longer.  I  want every day to count and it is important that every day and every decision count.  How many of us have cultivated beautiful gardens and are wasting time on weeds or dead trees?  Many of us are very successful in many aspects of our lives; be it frendships, careers, finances, community or family.  However,we choose to keep our focus on that one relationship  in  our lives that is simply dead. We go back to that person and find  out what we already knew.....there is no relationship, things don't gel, we are on different pages, our priorities are different, finances are an issue, the person is selfish, or that there just is not enough room for me in that person's life.  It can also be that we stay in a dead relationship  because it is familiar, we are comfortable, we fear being alone, we think that there is no one better, or we don't want to hurt someone.  Well,  I am here to tell you to put all of the excuses aside.  Strive for true love and happiness.  Don't waste time on dead relationships. The time that you spend with a "dead tree", talking to a dead tree, loving a dead tree, hoping for a dead tree to sprout new leaves is simply wasted time.  Don't do this! Spend your time on people or things that have life and that will potentially grow fruit.  Leave the weeds and dead trees alone.  Next time you are with someone, ask yourself the question, "Is this a dead tree on which I am putting expensive fertilizer?"  If the answer is yes, get  up and leave, hang up the phone, say no to another date and say yes to something or someone different.  I think that I will start the I am done fertilizing dead trees! Facebook page. Take my advice dead trees are DEAD.  They never come back to life.

Mature Love

This is MATURE LOVE!

No matter your political preference what resonates is the love that this couple share for one another.  I actually cried when I saw this embrace.  Real or imagined via this picture, this is the type of love that we all dream of having.
I am a little older now and what I once considered ideal love, I have found not to be so  ideal.  I have an older  sister and have posed the question to her, "What is really important for you to have in a man at age 60?" What I do know is that my thoughts have changed over the years. Let me see if I can recap by age.
Twenties:  College educated, good looking and a job. I can remember that a good looking man with a job was a catch.  In my twenties, I was thinking about starting  to have children  so great genes were important because God forbid  that I would have an ugly baby and a job meant that we could pull together to buy the things that we wanted and could have a social life.  Basically we both are broke.
Thirties: College educated, ok looking and a career. Hey, baby making was done.  Genes weren't as important.  A career meant that we could start empire building and acquire bigger and better things. Meaningful conversations  and family became more important.
Forties: Where I am now, Smart, financially savvy, and healthy.  Big difference now.  This is where maturity starts to kick-in.  I know now that a degree does not make a person.  I have learned that there are many millionaires that are successful without a college degree. Having someone who is intelligent is far better than just looking for someone with a college degree.  Finances are important.  It is more prudent that a person knows how to effectively manage money and is able to plan for retirement.  I know a lot of financially corrupt  and bankrupt millionaires who lost fortunes and will have to be on a job while on their death beds. Having someone who is healthy and in shape is more important than just being good looking. When you are thinking about traveling and enjoying a retirement, it will be a bummer not to be able to enjoy life because of health issues.  Being healthy also means that a fulfilling sex  life is possible.  Any forty year old woman will tell you that she is in her sexual prime and sex is important.  At forty all of the sexual hang-ups seem to disappear.
I believe that mature love  begins when we are in our forties.  Life experiences have taught us what is important.  We have learned that we cannot fight every battle.  We are self assure and we understand who we are and have determined our core values.  Pure and mature love is possible.  Our old love has grown or new love is found.  I am not sure what the Fifties will bring but I know that I want what I feel when I look at the picture above of Obamas.

Here are two links to books that have helped me to mature:

His Needs Her Needs

5 Love Languages

Raising Girls to Be Strong Women

The life of a parent is not easy.  When our children are born they do not come with instruction manuals that tell us what we should do daily to ensure that the end result of our parenting is well adjusted, productive people.  I have at times sat sad and confused about how to parent my daughters.  However, I can proudly admit that no matter how any mistakes that I have made along the way, I have pretty great kids.  I truly thank God every day for this reality.  I know what it means when someone says that there is power in a mother's prayers.  My advice is that when you are confused, pray even harder.  By no means are my girls angels but they are great people and while I did not have an instruction manual here are some things that worked for me especially as a single mother.

1. Talk honestly and openly with your children but remember your discussions should be age appropriate.

2. Get your children involved in your community, church and/or sports.

3. Discipline your children as appropriate.  Some children respond better to timeouts or stern admonishment.  Some children you may have to spank.  Learn which approach works best  with your child.

4. It takes a village to raise a child.  Group parenting with close friends that you respect and trust works well.  Others sometime can get through to your children when you cannot.  And yes...they will sometime just reinforce what you have been saying all along.

5.  Be respectful to your children.  It is ok to say please and thank you to them.

6.  Remember always that you are their parent and not their friend.

7.  There is never a compromise when it come to right or wrong, legal or illegal.

8.  What you do and what you say count.  Your children are always watching and are little "mini me's".

9. Don't be afraid to set high standard and goals for your children and provide structure.

10. Spend one on one time with your children in their room. Talk with them for 30 minutes to one hour in their rooms.  Observe the contents of their room.  Ask questions about anything in their rooms that peeks your interest. Openly discuss anything in their room that causes you concern.  Remember...while you respect them, you are not their friend and they have no privacy that is not earned in your home. Trust equates to privacy. Distrust equates to no privacy.

Bonus: Both parents are important.  Children need their mother and father.  Don't be afraid to get a Godmother or Godfather for your children if the other parent is irresponsible.  Having both  sexes involved in the raring of a child adds dimension and perspective to a child's life.  Put aside differences when possible for the sake of your child.  Don't be afraid to ask for support from friends.

Click on link for a great book!

Your-Daughters-Bedroom-Insights

Family Love

It is so easy to neglect our family.  I believe this happens because we take for granted that they will always be there.  Around this time in 2005, I had closed on a new home.  My mother and sisters came to Florida to help me move into my new home.  Think about it.  Christmas coming, unpacking, setting up a new home and trying to decorate all at the same time.  It was so chaotic that I had to laugh.  We actually were able to put up the Christmas tree on Christmas eve.  By New Years day, we had gotten some semblance of order.  The day after New Years day my mother and sister left headed back to the Carolinas.  Little did I know that this would be the last holiday that we would spend with our mother.  On January 9, 2006, my mother died of a blood clot in the lung.  Talk about shocked and devastated.  I am just glad that I had a special time with my mother that holiday.  I hugged her and kissed her and just babied her.  This was something that I never did because my mother was such a strong black woman.  There was never any room to pamper her.  However,  the time that we spent together during that Christmas revealed a vulnerability in her that I had never seen.  I can remember whispering in her ears that I loved her. It was like a vale was removed between us and roles were beginning to be reversed.  For the first time in my life, I saw her as my baby who needed to be loved and protected.  I am so glad that God granted me this time with her. I am glad we spoke those words that are often times left unspoken.  I know she left here knowing that I truly loved her and I know that she truly loved me.  Take time this holiday to mend fences and speak the unspoken.  We never know for whom the bell will toll.

Did You Know That There Are Five Love Languages?

Boy!  I wish someone had explained this to me some time ago.  Life surely would have been easier for the kid.  Gary Chapman explains this theory in detail in his series of books called, "The Five Love Languages".  Needless to say, I went through life loving others as my mother and grandmother expressed love to me.  It just seemed like the natural  thing to do...right?  Ok, so as we get older, we learn something new everyday.  You can in fact teach an old dog a new trick.  I learned that there are five distinct ways that people give and receive love.  They are 1. Words of Affirmation, 2. Gifts, 3. Acts of Service, 4. Quality Time, 5. Physical Touch.  Low and behold the love language of your parents will be the one that you learn how to speak first and will be your primary language.  This is called the "heart language".  It is definitely a must that you know how you receive love and how your significant other receives love.  Once this is understood both of your love cups stay full.  For example, If your love language is gifts or acts of service and you are given words of kindness, no matter how many kind words that are said to you, you will always feel empty.  However, a simple small box of Godiva chocolates of a new gadget of some sort will go a very long way.  Get it now?

The Greatest Love Affair

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to meet the person of your dreams? I mean, the perfect match. Not only meet this person but find that you also are the person of his or her dreams.  Yes, we are truly talking about a match made in heaven. Before I die, I want to experience "The Greatest Love Affair".  Is this just a female thing or is this something that men desire too? For me, I want this affair to be all encompassing. Great sex, passionate and spine tingling kisses, intellectual compatibility, common likes and interests.  Yes, the whole shebang!  Am I being unrealistic?  I know that I am a dreamer. I know that every day can't be like heaven. However, I would like to think that I can coexist with a special someone and feel the magic of true love. Are there others like myself who desire this experience? What more, are there couples out there living my dream? I was married before and divorced so I don't have my head in the clouds but I would like to think that I have learned from my past mistakes and can strive to have a Great Love Affair.  Where are you on this one?

Another Great Book - "The Conversation" by Hill Harper

I am always one for a great book so when I read one, I love to share that knowledge.  Hill Harper does an excellent job in this book discussing how men and women, particularly Black men and women, can build loving, trusting relationships.  I will tell you that he left NO stone unturned.  There are great conversation points that will definitely add a spark to your next dinner party.  I particularly loved the quotes that started each new chapter.  Some of my favorites are: "Patience is a secret weapon that forces deception to reveal  itself.", " The relationships that I have taken most seriously are the ones that progressed from A to F to I...Acquaintance to Friendship to Intimacy.",  "Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us.  To the spiritually immature, "commitment" is a very scary word because it is internalized as bondage. But to the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away.", and last " Love seeks to satisfy others at the expense of self.  Lust seeks to satisfy self at the expense of others.  WOW!  This is what I call great stuff!  Read "The Conversation" for yourself and tell me what YOU think.

Great Book at a Great Price about Great Women

I just read the best book! Cokie Roberts absolutely amazed me with her insightfulness.  This book discusses all of the roles that women have played.  Most importantly Cokie has a story of success for all women no matter what age, religion, race, or political belief. I absolutely could not put this book down.  This is a book that ALL women can truly be proud of and embrace. I, especially as a Black woman, am proud about the way that she paid homage to the works of black women like Ida B. Wells and Dorothy Height.